Raising confident and compassionate children: an Adlerian perspective on parenting

By Wendy Goddard

Drawing on a lifetime as a teacher, therapist and parenting educator, Wendy explores how the insights of Alfred Adler's Individual Psychology can help parents raise resilient, confident and compassionate children. She argues that many Adlerian ideas sit comfortably alongside humanist values and offer practical guidance for family life today.

Wendy is a retired English teacher and Adlerian therapist. She lives in Bournemouth on the south coast of England and is a member of Dorset Humanists.

“If I had known what it was like being a grandparent I would have done it first!”

As a grandmother of seven and great-grandmother of three, I experience the joy they bring but not the responsibility. This has prompted me to reflect on my own years as a parent. I've reached an age where I look back and wonder if I did well in the job of parenting two sons. Looking at my family, I'm proud of how they have turned out, but I know that my role as a single parent was only one part of their development. I'm thankful for the knowledge I gained from being part of a larger family, the Adlerian community, which influenced my parenting style, and from the humanist community, which I did not know then but with which I now realise I shared the same values.

Psychologist Alfred Adler (1870-1937). Public domain image from Wikipedia (enhanced).

For those unfamiliar with Adlerian theory, or Individual Psychology, here is a brief outline. Alfred Adler (1870–1937), the renowned psychiatrist and philosopher, stressed the need to understand individuals within their social context. In the early 1900s, he began addressing issues that remain highly relevant today, including equality, parent education, birth order, life style, and the holistic nature of the individual. He believed that we all share one basic desire: to belong and to feel significant.

His strong sense of social interest, and his desire to share his ideas as widely as possible, led him to train parents and teachers. He held open sessions with families and lectured to teachers so that everyone could benefit from learning to understand themselves and one another better. He had no time for the mystique surrounding the private, elitist practice of psychoanalysis. He also despised statistics. His approach was pragmatic, anecdotal and, above all, intuitive.

Adler writes:

“Since true happiness is inseparable from the feeling of giving, it is clear that a social person is much closer to happiness than an isolated person striving for superiority.

Individual Psychology has clearly shown that those who are deeply unhappy – the neurotic and the desolate – are often people who were deprived in childhood of developing a sense of community, together with the courage, optimism and self-confidence that come directly from a sense of belonging.

This sense of belonging cannot be denied to anyone, nor can there be any argument against it. It can only be gained through involvement, cooperation, shared experience and being useful to others. Out of this emerges a lasting, genuine feeling of worthiness.”

(From Individual Psychology, 1926.)

As a teacher and therapist, I worked with families for most of my career. Practically all the issues I encountered, both in the classroom and in the therapy room, stemmed from family dynamics and the problems associated with poor parenting skills. For more than twenty years, I ran parenting groups attended by people from a wide range of religious, ethnic and social backgrounds. They had varying levels of literacy and language skills, but they all shared a very real need to learn how to parent. They didn't simply want to become better parents; they needed practical guidance on raising their children responsibly, as many had no extended family to turn to for advice. My clients in the therapy room, who were facing difficulties in adulthood, often had little understanding of how their early childhood experiences had shaped their present problems.

I found that the core concepts of Adlerian theory were particularly effective in helping these families and, I believe, closely aligned with humanist values. I will therefore explore some of those principles here.

People are social beings. Our fundamental goal is to belong and to feel that we have a valued place in the world. Our deepest drive is to find acceptance within our ‘tribe’.

All behaviour is goal-directed, which means we behave in certain ways to achieve specific goals. If we can understand the goal, we may be able to help people change negative behaviours. To do this, we need to understand the effect that behaviour has on others and the natural consequences that follow from it – especially in the parent-child relationship. Cooperation is therefore one of the cornerstones of Adlerian philosophy.

People behave according to their own subjective view of reality. To understand others, we need empathy – the ability to see things from their point of view. Only by recognising how differently we each perceive the world can we develop genuine empathy: appreciating and respecting one another's differences.

This subjective view of reality is known as private logic: the unique set of convictions we hold about life, ourselves and others, shaped by genetic, cultural and family influences. Our life style is formed through childhood experiences and encompasses the emotional, cognitive and behavioural strategies we adopt to achieve our goals.

A simplified example is the ‘spoilt’ child who, through parental words and actions, comes to believe that they are entitled to anything they want. They develop a private logic that they are more important than those around them. As a result, their lifestyle becomes one of constantly seeking attention, power or financial status. Their behaviour towards others enables them to achieve this goal.

Mutual respect is essential in a democracy and within a democratic family. Discipline is based on this mutual respect and is an essential part of both parenting and personal development.

There is also an emphasis on cognitive behavioural approaches to change because, if we can choose our behaviour to achieve certain goals, we also have the power to change that behaviour when it no longer serves us. This philosophy is therefore an optimistic one.

Parenting skills based on these principles are commonly described as ‘Positive Parenting’ or ‘Cooperative Discipline’ and are often characterised as an ‘authoritative’ approach (in contrast to authoritarian/autocratic or permissive parenting). These skills include using natural and logical consequences, recognising the goals of behaviour, holding family meetings, teaching problem-solving skills, developing resilience and emphasising encouragement.

Positive Parenting also includes communication skills such as active listening and developing empathy for others. These are not only valuable parenting skills but also essential qualities in a democracy, helping to prepare children for active citizenship.

I would also emphasise the need to develop resilience in children facing an uncertain world. Resilience is the capacity to process difficult emotions, gaining renewed strength and insight. We can encourage this by helping children to recognise and own their feelings, thereby developing a better understanding of themselves and of how they affect others and the world around them. Adler believed that our behaviour is shaped by our beliefs and that, because we are all different, our responses will vary. It is not so much the event itself that matters as our attitude towards it, and we need to learn to respond appropriately to the situations we face.

Instilling resilience is not an easy task, particularly if parents lack resilience themselves. But it can be done if we provide a community that aspires to, and fosters, the same qualities in its citizens. As the saying goes, “It takes a village to raise a child” – a truth that is especially relevant when so many children are being raised by a single parent.

Hopefully, we want to raise children who are capable, courageous, connected and cooperative. To achieve this, they need to develop resilience as they grow towards adulthood. Such resilience can be nurtured through many aspects of being human, including:

• Morality – acting on the basis of an informed conscience.

• Relationships – forming fulfilling connections with other people.

• Independence – being able to distance oneself emotionally and physically from the sources of trouble in one's life.

• Creativity – using imagination and expressing oneself through the arts.

• Humour – finding the comic in the tragic.

• Enterprise – using initiative to solve problems.

• Self-awareness – understanding oneself and one's impact on others.

A sense of morality can be developed by teaching children what is right and good for everyone, not just for themselves. By providing boundaries and limits based on reason and fairness, we teach self-discipline. By encouraging opportunities for spiritual growth – understood here as an awareness that there is something greater than the individual – we can foster respect, justice and a sense of responsibility for one another and the natural world.

In relationships, we need to help children develop their social skills by teaching effective communication and empathy, encouraging positive friendships, and providing positive adult relationships that help them distance themselves emotionally and physically from sources of trouble.

The ultimate goal of parenting is to guide children towards independence. This can only be achieved by giving them opportunities to cooperate and participate, helping them develop a positive sense of self and personal agency rather than powerlessness, and encouraging them to see that they are capable of exercising a degree of control over their environment. They learn this through creative play and by finding solutions to their own problems.

How easy it is to step in and say, “Let me help you” or “I'll fix it”, rather than watching them struggle or taking the time to let them complete a task themselves. Yet they need to develop critical problem-solving skills. Our role as parents is to provide opportunities for learning, offering ‘strokes’ – gestures of encouragement – rather than ‘rescuing’ them, which can be discouraging because it implies helplessness.

That wonderful “Why?” age is often demanding for parents, but questions are essential if children are to develop self-awareness, and they deserve honest answers. By modelling emotional stability ourselves, we encourage children to understand and regulate their own emotions.

Finally, there is always a place for laughter and for finding the fun in everyday things, even when they go wrong. Humour is essential to human flourishing.

One of the mnemonics I used to leave with parents, to guide their choice of words and actions when dealing with their children, was THINK. Before speaking or acting, ask yourself:

T – Thoughtful: Will this benefit the child or me?

H – Honest: Does this reflect the values I want to teach?

I  – Inspiring: Will this encourage or discourage?

N – Necessary: Will this improve the situation?

K – Kind: Will this show that I care?

Each of us influences the life of a child.

 Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Laugh often.