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Donald Trump’s Surprising Pivot: “I am now a humanist”


New York, April 1, 2024 — In an unexpected twist that has taken the world by storm, former President Donald Trump announced today, on April Fool’s Day, that he is embracing humanism and shifting his focus towards promoting human rights, equality, and science-based policies.


The announcement came early this morning via a press conference at Trump Tower, where Trump, standing before a newly unveiled golden statue of Prometheus, declared, “I’ve had an epiphany. It’s time to put humanity first. I am now, undeniably, a humanist.”


Trump outlined his new platform, which includes significant investments in education, a push for universal healthcare, and an aggressive plan to tackle climate change. “We’re going to have the best environment, the most educated kids, and healthcare so great, it’ll make your head spin,” Trump asserted, sporting a red baseball cap with the slogan “Make Humanity Great Again.”


Sceptics were left scratching their heads as Trump proceeded to donate a substantial portion of his fortune to various charities focused on scientific research, poverty alleviation, and human rights. “It’s all about love and kindness,” he explained, embracing a group of environmental activists who looked visibly confused but cautiously optimistic.


The former president also announced his intention to lead a global initiative aimed at promoting peace and diplomacy. “Who needs walls when you can build bridges?” Trump mused, proposing the establishment of an international festival celebrating human achievements and unity.


Social media has erupted in disbelief and amusement, with #TrumpTheHumanist quickly trending worldwide. Critics are calling the move an elaborate April Fool’s prank, while supporters are hailing it as a revolutionary pivot.


In a statement that left many wondering if the whole event was indeed a jest, Trump concluded, “April Fool’s is about surprising people, right? Well, consider yourselves surprised. Or not. That’s the beauty of April Fool’s—you never really know.”


As the world tries to wrap its head around this unprecedented turn of events, one thing is clear: Donald Trump knows how to keep us all guessing.


Disclaimer: this article is entirely fictional and created in the spirit of April Fools' Day humour.


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Eric Hayman
Eric Hayman
Apr 01

"The former president also announced his intention to lead a global initiative aimed at promoting peace and diplomacy. “Who needs walls when you can build bridges?” Trump mused, proposing the establishment of an international festival celebrating human achievements and unity."


“Who needs walls when you can build bridges?" Who needs bridges when you can have ships knock them down?

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